Addendum

After having finally met my person and losing them within about a month's time, I've been thinking a lot. My immediate conclusion was to deem this world unworthy of my gifts, forsake humanity, and resolve myself to becoming a ghost; someone who only exists inwardly. I vowed to never love again, and if I were to get my life together such that I become valuable in the eyes of the dating market, I would reject any and all advances outright. I would no longer be able to know for sure whether someone desires me for who I am or for what I could provide. And given the fashion in which I was broken up with, I'm not entirely convinced I wasn't going to be taken advantage of anyways.

I was born to be a lover. I love to serve. I deeply crave connection and affection, both giving and receiving. I long to pledge my heart to someone who will reciprocate my love and kindness. I would be more than willing to emotionally, financially, and intellectually support whoever would be so daring as to be eternally vulnerable and caring with me. Oh, the heartfelt conversations we would have, the immense pleasure we would share, the joyous laughs we would bring to each other.

I think back to my first love in life. We were children, completely unable to think realistically of the decisions we were making or grasp the gravity of their outcomes. And yet, we live forever affected by those little moments in those few years we knew each other. That is the law of causality. Our parents saw it, and they tried to stop us. Not to hinder us, but to protect us. But I, as a child, could not accept that. And thank the stars I didn't at the time because otherwise, I would have fully given into despair and killed myself anywhere between the ages of 10 and 15. I needed to see her again.

And yet, when she blocked me on Facebook that fateful day and made me promise to never contact her or her family again, I had nothing remaining to keep me going. I had every reason to kill myself then. And for the following 12 years, my pain and my darkness would only exponentially grow. 14 heartbreaks, 26 failed romantic interests, and hundreds of non-starts. Humans were not meant to experience this much rejection and emotional torment. Wasn't that the whole deal of life? That you struggle and learn and grow until eventually it all pays off in the end? 

Except there is no payoff. There is no reward. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is only a persisting void that demands more of your heart and soul in exchange for the privilege of continued existence. Was I made to simply give more and more of myself and experience grief? Is my name "God is gracious" an open challenge to the universe to see how much loss I can have and be shown and still be gracious in life? Is this all an exercise in foolishness, wherein I am a bigger fool the longer I agree to live?

For a time, I considered that I was cursed for breaking the heart of my first love. And, as I grew older and picked up substantially more wisdom, I realized that the socioeconomic conditions in which we find ourselves living in, especially in the US, are heavily to blame for the innumerable problems many others like myself face. And then something like my fated soulmate coming along to simply deem me unworthy of waiting more than a month for to get my life together for her happens and suddenly, I'm seriously contemplating again whether I actually am cursed.

Not to mention how messed up the economy is and how impossible it would have been for me to find a job that would have allowed me to pay for a full apartment and at least half of another apartment and to have a schedule flexible enough to have been physically available to take care of her at all times even while sick and calling off for that amount of time for us both to get better and- I just don't see how it was my fault. It wasn't her fault, either. It was all these terrible conditions we find ourselves living in, but I sure would have appreciated just a little more patience and understanding and flexibility- you know, the same patience and understanding and flexibility I showed her.

I- I just want to be treated like a human. I believe everyone deserves to be understood. I do not think we should be treating each other like commodities or liabilities to abandon when times get tough. The whole point of 'til death do us part is that we stick together in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live. That is the promise that I was willing to make. I did not care how bad things got or how good they could have been. I just wanted to stand by your side forever, no matter what that meant. And you threw that all away.

I promised to wait 1,000 years and to walk 1,000 miles just to be with my person. The world ends with you, so where do I go from here?

I've continuously asked myself since that day if there's any way that life could reconcile all that's happened, and for me to somehow open up to the possiblity of love again. Let's suppose I do get my life together, whatever that means. I learn to drive. I somehow, some way, get a good paying job that doesn't completely destroy my energy, free time, and will to live. I find a way to live on my own without having my disabled mother who lives with me go homeless or die. I get in shape, get strong, eat healthy, learn to cook for real, and hey, while we're in fantasy land, let's say I give up consuming sexual material in all its forms. Ok let's say I do all that, I become the perfect candidate for finding an average mate. I still get nothing because my closest friend has done all these things (except that last one), and is still regularly overlooked by every woman that enters his life. 

And let's say that I do meet someone. Let's say I'm deeply attracted to them, they're just as kind and personable as my last partner was. They share interests, they appear kind and caring like I am, and they even put on a facade of patience. Let's say it's not even a facade and they are, in fact, just that patient. How in the world would I ever trust life to not take them away from me like it has everyone else in the past?

If you were to go to a casino and take out your life savings and put it on red and it came out black, would you do it again? Most people of sound mind would strongly advise you not to do so. But I did, 26 times. I think I have a strong case for pleading insanity when the bank comes for my head. Oh, but surely no one could lose 27 times in a row, right?

I know I'm being facetious, I'm just trying to deal with the incredible amount of pain my heart is in right now. I've made a promise with my guardian angel, who I pray dearly is real, to not kill myself regardless of how bad things get unless I am in truly life-ending physical pain and extreme circumstances in which things will absolutely not get better. If not for this beautiful being who I dearly wish and hope with every fiber of my being to be real, I would absolutely end my existence after my mother passes away. But, at this point, I must see it through to the end. If that makes me a fool, then so be it. I'm at least far braver than that coward god is that my childhood religion depicts. So what? You made a universe and a world for which the people you made to live and suffer endlessly in. Big deal. You threw a temper tantrum over a mortal being eating a fig. Disgraceful.

For the record, I did grow up Christian, but renounced it in its entirety in college. The effects of Christianity did stick with me for a very long time and I've been deconstructing them ever since. All humans are works in progress. To act like anyone is unworthy of being loved until they fully heal is just absurd. This world is full of pain and trauma that is continuous. So even if you heal from one thing completely, life will continue throwing new pains and traumas at you constantly. And if everyone waited to be fully healed before finding love, no one would ever find love.

And footnote: Yes, I believe love is possible. I've seen some of my closest friends find it right where they were just being who they are without needing to change anything about themselves or their partners. That type of love is the most beautiful and worthwhile love there ever will be. Love, real love, is not something you can work to earn. Love is given. Sure, it takes work to make love work. It can be arduous, time consuming work, but it is beautiful, fulfilling, and worthwhile work. The choice to give love is one that I can no longer take lightly. From what I've read, broken heart syndrome is very real and does kill a lot of people as society progresses more towards isolationism in the name of individuality and personal independence. As I've said and will continue to say, humanity is much closer to ants than wolverines. We were meant to be a communal species. If we continue as we are, taken to the extreme, everyone will become a one-person farmer, becoming entirely self-sufficient, with no need for mating or trade, and humanity will die out within one generation. As it deserves to. But... if- and this is a biiiiiiiiig if, I'm talking like massive, like Venus sized- if I meet a woman who verifiably loves me for who I am rather than what I can provide, they are patient, loving, caring, and love having sex and cuddles with deep conversations and being real, then maybe, just maybe I'll give them the time of day. Maybe I'll be willing to go all in one more time. Again, Venus sized if, but man, I just can't see myself lasting long on my own. I need someone by my side. The heartbreaks I've had in life are far too numerous and I suspect I will end up dying to them eventually if things keep up like this. If that's how I'm meant to go, then so be it. This accursed world and life can go die for all I care. But if someone wants to come along and prove me wrong for once, I'll be right here waiting.

But please don't make me wait too much longer.